'N'

The day result is being released is a dreadful day for me. Every time I enter the website viewing my result, it’s horrible. I hate the feeling. I hate it. Even as I enter the website, my heart turns cold. It made my heart itch and twitch.

On the eve evening of result being released, I entered our University’s web page. I saw an unread email in the inbox. As I read it, it was the assignment marks for my International business Strategy. This is the first time in history that I’ve ever entered the exam hall without knowing the internal marks. Thank God I passed the internal with more than pass.

Now onto the overall… I entered the exam results webpage. As I glance thru. I noticed and ‘N’ immediately, my heartbeat stopped. (In Monash ‘N’ means fail) I highlighted the ‘N’ and pull it over to see which unit it was. It was International Business strategy. “I would compromise the markings and the exam marks” the voice of the lecturer came ringing to my mind. I was shocked. I was unable to move. With my parents in the room. I didn’t know how to react! Swiftly my mom came over. “So, how was it?”

“Gulp! One down the drain” faintly I answered. Dad was watching TV. He just continue watching while Mom just walk away shaking her head. All I could do was get out of the room silently.

At that moment, I thought to myself, “What a failure you are?” After the hurdle of passing all my units during semester 1. Now, I’m back to square 1. Sigh! Sigh! I feel that I’m living in nightmare that can never be awakened. It’s miserable. Studies seem so easy and yet so hard. It’s dreading.

I thought this year; I’ll be able to go through it safe and sound, seems not. I still have to face the challenge of redeeming my own dignity. In life, once you’ve gotten good results, you are not allowed to drop even once. People place high hopes in you. People anticipate good results from you more.

Humans are amazingly weird. When you are at your peak, or success, what ever you say, sees to be agreeable. However, when you are a failure, whatever you do is wrong, the way you walk is wrong, the way you talk is wrong, whatever you say is wrong even if whatever you say is right. This is how realistic the world is.

Sometimes I wonder. Why is it that study seems so easy for some and so hard for the rest? I have to admit life in Business course is much more relaxing than that of Science and engineering. BUT… We have our hard times. Have I put in my 100%? How do you define 100%? Sitting in front of the book 24/7? Not leaving the rooms for a month until the exam day? Even not going to church?!

I personally do think that all that does not measure up to 100%. Going to church is a time where 3-4 hours a week we specially devote it to God. We are humans! We need to rest! I don’t believe that giving up the 3 -4 Hours to go to church will cost me an ‘N’. Well, when u fail, you juts lose the right to voice. You don’t even have a chance to voice. To think of it, I don’t think I want to even voice.


I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed for my family. I’m ashamed for Christ my Lord. I don’t what I could do now. Only time will lead.

Along the journey, i sometimes do lead myself to think... Is it because sometimes, God disappears in my life as i enter comfort zone. Therefore i need to be fling up and down to be in faith. But yet, God is Good~ I'm just so tired now. So tired i feel i could just sleep through my day~

As i browse through the picture for this particular blog. I came across a picture that depict a man in failure. with a quote that says, perhaps your best isn't good enough. I think thats the best reason to answer myself for now...